Writing thru scars

If you read yesterday morning's post, don't be too alarmed. I know it may look a little nuts but really it's not that bad. I was able to get some sleep, it was very un-restful but it was sleep. My head always goes a little cuckoo when I write or think about Bucca for too long. And coincidentally right after writing about Bucca, I ended up watching a History Channel special on the creation of ISIS, in which Bucca is discussed. Not to go to deeply into it but it kind of cut open some old scars.


All said though, this time I did pretty well. It's actually been really the first time that I could write about some of the things that happened. I have always only been able to talk with other people who had been there. It's an odd thing, I can feel such a kinship with other veterans who have deployed. Not to say anything against other vets, or family, or friends, but it's just something about connecting with someone who has been in a similar situation. Most people coming back from deployments have a hard time explaining what happened on their deployments. Oh they can tell you about the funny things that happened or the friends they made but really talking about their whole experience is extremely difficult.


I've heard some people call this a type of post-deployment "snobbery." And some people do have this "better than thou" attitude, but for most people I think it falls deeper than that. How do you explain that you are not the same person anymore? That you have seen things unbearably cruel or a side of yourself that you never thought existed? What words do you use to tell your family that while you were gone, a fundamental shift occurred in your psyche? It's not that veterans are necessarily snobbish about their experience but that they don't know how to talk about it with people that don't understand the experience.


One difficult thing that many civilians don't understand is that there are no safe zones when deployed. In the last 3 wars, Vietnam is in here too, any base could come under attack at any given moment. In order to be an effective member, a person has to learn how to operate under a state of constant alertness. Whether at work or in the living area, mortars don't care where you are. Most times they are way off base or not close to you, but you never know, at any given time you might just be in the wrong spot. It's exhausting and terrifying if you constantly think about it so you don't. What you worry about when hearing incoming is if it's going to get the chow hall or hit the computer center. You can't always think about it hitting near you because it would eventually render you combat ineffective. How do you explain that to your family once you get home? How do you tell them that you were more worried about missing dinner or using the computer than getting hit by a rocket or mortar. How do you talk about the bets you placed about the distance from you based on the shock wave and sound of the blast? You can't.


How can a parent, spouse, or regular civilian understand the utter brain exhaustion from trying to decide whether or not the Iraqi/Afghan is safe or not? In my deployment, I had guys that worked with us, Iraqi Correction Officers (ICO's), and interpreters, that were genuinely good people. They wanted a better country for their families to live in. I had some that were spies for the local militia and would pass messages from compound to compound. The good guys-they slowly left the camp either because their families were getting murdered or they were whenever they left the camp. We had a way of figuring which people were good or bad by how many times they were able to leave base without being killed. Some of the guys we knew were bad guys, but we had to hang out, laugh, joke with them until they messed up and we could catch them doing something illegal. But how do you bring that up in discussion when you get home? Saying, "Hey Mom, Dad, did I tell you about the terrorist we had chilling in our living area," is not a good conversation starter.


This is how, by writing if speaking is too difficult. By not shying away from the discussion when it comes up. Many Americans feel that there is a great divide between military and civilians, and I can agree it's true to some extent. A lot of Americans want to know what it's like in the military; just look at all the military-themed reality shows! Some veterans have a very difficult time talking about their experiences and that's understandable, but I think we need to open up some scars from time to time and allow civilians to experience our stories. Not because we are better than them but because this is how we heal the division between military and civilians. And we can all agree that our country doesn't need any more division, we need healing.