Alive!

I can feel it. All night I was trying to figure out what to write and suddenly it hit me out of nowhere! I am beginning to feel the start of a little bit of mania. Now I have been taking my meds so this shouldn't last too long or (hopefully) get too bad. But since I have the crazy slipping up on me, I figured this would be the best time to try and describe what's going on. And maybe help settle my brain down in the process.


Have you ever felt suddenly so alive? Like an entire endorphin rush through your body and every part of you feels electric? I can literally feel the blood pumping into my fingertips. When I inhale it's like I'm breathing the most freeing and beautiful air. Have you ever took a breath of crisp fall air or inhaled right before it began to rain? It's that type of air where you feel utterly alive and in touch with everything! I feel like I can't hold in all the life inside. I want to laugh, shout, or talk about everything. My poor work partner just got an earful of the last dreams I had, when I may go home to visit again, how I've been sleeping. All in one long joyful sentence! I accidently shouted some of it and only realized it when I saw him jump back a little.


I started pacing up and down but stopped because I think I made him a little nervous, so then I decided to start doing the trash and getting ready for shift change which is still an hour and a half away. I went outside to calm myself with some "fresh" air and caught myself singing about three different songs at once. I would tell you what they where but I already can't remember them. Right now I'm reciting what I need to get at the grocery store over and over in my head. It's just the rest of my Thanksgiving meal list, potatoes, pumpkin pie, and something else. Don't worry I got it written down in my phone! Plus I can peruse the coffee and creamers, but I don't think they have anything new yet.


Hopefully, I can get to sleep today when I get home. Usually when I start feeling like this I have a difficult time sleeping, even when I take my medications. What I really hope is that this feeling doesn't morph into a more difficult mood swing. If I could keep myself right here, right in this feeling I would love it! But here is where things get difficult, because my brain won't stay here, but every time I trick myself into believing it will. I might stay in this euphoric brain space for a day, or maybe a couple weeks, but it always ends. Right now I'm clear-minded enough to realize it. And maybe this time I'll stay that way. Maybe this time my brain will let me down easy and I will fall right back into a normal rhythm. Maybe I won't devolve into paranoia or slip into depression, but the reality is I probably will.


The holidays are always an up, up, and away time for me. The excitement, the happy mood, enjoying time with family and friends, it's great and almost always makes me a little manic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's one of the few times where I feel like my craziness is just on par with everyone's happiness. I just dislike the ugly downfall that almost always comes with it, but maybe this time it will be different.