Compliance

Woo, I finally got some good sleep! After about 2 weeks of weird, interrupted sleep, I finally crashed after work yesterday and slept a good 8 hours. Now why is this such a good thing? I'm sure all of us have had crappy sleep nights. But for the bipolar brain, bad sleep equals usually the beginning of mania or depression. It's important to understand and know these signs because if I don't then I can easily cause havoc in my daily life.


The first thing that normally goes once the brain is off kilter is medication compliance. Now I know that this seems like a no brainer, take your meds, stay on schedule. Duh. But here is an idea for you. When you have a headache or pain somewhere you take an aspirin, Tylenol, Motrin, whatever to help alleviate the pain. But once the pain goes away do you still take it? Of course not! Why would a person take a medication if they aren't feeling any symptoms? Well if you have a mental illness you're expected to still take medication even when you feel better. I find it difficult to take my medications once I'm feeling better because, well, I feel better! My head starts whispering, "hey, it's all good now, you don't need any pills. You aren't sick anymore." Now as an adult, I know that I need my medications consistently but it's easy to listen and think that that's the truth. Add lack of sleep to the mix and it's just that much easier to forget them.


So all that to say I forgot my meds for about two days, I think, to be honest I'm not really sure of the days. Well the first day or so, it felt great! I woke up and didn't feel all hazy and out of it, everything was clear. I didn't have the shakes and my balance was good. I was able to talk normal and carry on (what I thought was) a regular conversation. I was able to get housework and chores done with minimal tired spells. It was awesome! Suddenly I realized I didn't really "need" as much sleep to feel refreshed. My brain wasn't spinning or tired, it just hummed along quite nicely. *Now a quick disclaimer, some people with bipolar can spend days, weeks, even months feeling this way before they or others notice something is wrong. I am not one of those people, once my meds wear off, it's a quick fast track to mania or depression.*


Day two, I woke up extra early (for absolutely no reason) and I still felt good. Who needs a lot of sleep anyways?! By early afternoon, I knew something was weird. I was jittery, yet couldn't make up my mind on anything. I was tired but couldn't sleep. Weird stuff began to irritate me, like how papers were stacked on the desktop or the feeling of the furniture texture. I started feeling so anxious but I didn't know why. This odd buzzing noise started in my head, like the hum of a conversation but I couldn't quite hear the words. We were trying to decide on what to eat for dinner and I had to tell my girlfriend to decide because I couldn't handle making a decision. I was really worried about what was going on because I honestly couldn't think of anything I was doing different to set off an episode. I still hadn't realized I missed a day or two of medication. A few times my girlfriend would shush me because apparently I was almost shouting when we were talking. Finally while at work last night, I realized, whoops I forgot my meds! Maybe that's why I was so odd lately!


Luckily, I realized what I had messed up before it got too bad. This time, there was no crazy money spending, no weird obsessive compulsions (I get oddly completely obsessed by different coffee and creamer flavors all the time, but as I get manic it gets really out of hand), minimal paranoia, and only a slight overwhelming anxiety. I made it through another sneak attack of the brain. Sometimes it occurs when I miss a medication; other times the brain just switches gears and leaves me defenseless to a new attack. But this time I made it through with minimal damage; I caught it before I really messed up. So instead of being angry at myself, I'm actually kind of proud. I screwed up, but I didn't go all in this time. Next time, who knows? I know there will be a next time but I'll worry about it when it happens not before it does. Today I'm just happy to have caught it and I'll be moving forward not backward from here.