Recovering!

I had a conversation with a co-worker earlier, nothing big just chatting about the holidays and he asked me if I was going to a Christmas party that a mutual friend is hosting. I said yes and he started joking about how people were going to be getting a little tipsy and how funny it was to watch some people get drunk. I laughed and said yeah it's always a fun way to see people who are normally pretty professional and strict at work. He laughed and asked me if I planned on getting a little drunk myself, I simply said no I don't drink. At all? He didn't seem to believe me. I replied, "No I'm a recovering alcoholic so I don't drink even a little. Cue the awkward silence! Poor guy, he kind of stuttered and said, "Well I'm sorry." I just laughed and said "I'm not."


That conversation revealed something to me that I hadn't realized. I'm not ashamed of considering myself a recovering alcoholic. Because the key word is the first word, recovering. I'm aware that there is something in my body and brain that is sick. And if I don't monitor it that sickness will control me. In fact it did control me for many years.


I had my first drink when I was 16. I can actually remember what I drank, Amaretto and Coke. Funny, I can't remember what I had for dinner two days ago, but I can remember what I drank 16 years ago! It's amazing what an addicted brain can recall. I had a few of those and then some Aftershock (God awful cinnamon flavored syrup!). Obviously at 16 I couldn't drink too often but when I did I never just had a couple drinks, I always ended up pretty sloshed. I say that just to point out that I never gradually increased my drinking to drunkenness, I started there and increased to other levels later.


I knew some people in my family had had drinking issues, I knew that it is genetic, but I was young! Only older people had drinking problems! You know like homeless people, people who drank before work, or when they got the shakes, not people like me who started a career and never showed up to work drunk.


In the Air Force, especially at my first base, everyone drank! I mean come on, we lived in dorms and were barely adults! It was here that I started to notice something weird though, not everyone drank to get drunk. My brain couldn't wrap itself around that concept, I mean why else would you drink?! Also other people didn't blackout or get alcohol poisoning, I did both on more than one occasion. These were the signs that I didn't drink like normal people. Instead of questioning myself, I simply hung out with people who drank like me. It wasn't until I was stationed in Minot that someone said something to me. She was a good friend who noticed that once we were off work, I could rarely hang out because I would be too intoxicated to drive. Also after being out in the field for 4 days, I could tell when it was time to be relieved to go home because now I got the shakes after 31/2 days of sobriety. Another sign, one I refused to acknowledge.


Skip forward 3 to 4 years and I had successfully become an alcoholic. The shakes were a routine occurrence and I needed at least 4 to 5 shots in order to sleep. But I still lied to myself; my brain still said, "Well you don't drink before work or go to work still drunk from the night before, so you're fine." It wasn't until I overdosed and almost choked on my own vomit, that I realized, "Wow, I might have a problem!" Hey, I'm not saying I'm the smartest cookie, some times things take me a while to get! But I did realize it and I reached out and got help. I was sober for about 5 years, a few drinks here and there but never anything too bad.


After about 5 years, I figured I must be better. So I began to "try" a few drinks here and there, not a lot just a couple. And it was fine! Ha, I beat it! Don't laugh too hard! A couple became 5 and 6 and suddenly I was hiding the drinks from people so they wouldn't know. Loud buzzer sound right there, if I was better why would I need to hide it? Well the progression went pretty rapidly this time from a few drinks to the ER in a little over 5 months. So I reached out for help and started over again, day one, two, and so on.


That was over 2 years ago. This isn't a congrats to me post and don't worry I definitely didn't make my poor co-worker listen to this whole thing! I just realized that I'm not ashamed to be recovering. I don't feel like a defective human being that has a broken part. Recovering alcoholic isn't all of who I am, it's merely a piece of me and it won't become my whole identity. I'm a veteran, daughter, sister, girlfriend, co-worker, and oh yeah, recovering alcoholic. I am still aware that for me there is no friendly drinking but I am proud that I am recovered enough to be around some people who might have a drink without it feeling overwhelming. I'm also proud that I'm aware enough to know that sometimes it will be too overwhelming and it's ok for me to step away. Someday I might remove the word recovering and add former, but for now recovering is the right word and I'm proud I am recovering.


What are the things in your life that you might be recovering from? It might not be a beverage or substance, it could be a person, relationship, bad job, debt, etc. The point is we all have something either now or past that we have/are recovered from. You are not the substance, person, situation that is hurting right now; it is merely a piece of who you are as an individual. Don't hold your head down in shame over the situation; hold it up with pride that you made it through the situation! You are recovering!