I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! Whether large or small, simple or extravagant hopefully Christmas this year was just the way you needed it. We had a very nice day, I actually didn't have to work until that evening so I got to hang around the house with my GF and gifts all day! It's not often that I get Christmas off so I'm extra happy for that.
Lately I know I've been pretty sporadic with the blogging and I'm hoping to get a bit more routine. I'm currently doing another writing project and it has taken up a lot more time than I thought it would. My bipolar craziness is wanting to stop now and start something different but I am trying to remain on some type of schedule! It's hard when your brain fights you sometimes. Especially since I tend to argue with it...out loud! People start looking at me a little strange!
Have you ever gone through really difficult times and once you were through them you thought all the emotions from them would just go away? For example, one of the things I have been experiencing lately is some of the emotions from my old deployments. I have found that I can mentally place myself back in that portion of my life and all those issues just jump back out. I have done quite of bit of therapy for different things, anger management, alcohol, bipolar, BPD, depression, blah, blah, blah, but yet when I reminiscence about certain time periods all those same reactions pop up!
So is it the therapy is defective? Did I cheat my way through them? Because I really didn't think I was cheating, I mean I worked really hard! And how am I supposed to gain perspective if I can't even think about those times with out reliving them? Maybe I just have to shrug my shoulders and go through all the emotional crap again to try and work it. Yech, I hate that thought but I have a feeling that it's the truth.
See I figured that if I had put enough distance time-wise between it and me then I would be able to casually observe the situations. That definitely doesn't work! So I have found that for me the best thing is to type it out. It puts me right back in the scenario but I also have to describe it in writing and that way my brain can't obsess over every feeling. I also try to make sure I'm in an area where I might occasionally be brought right back to reality, for me it's work. It's difficult and sometimes even when I finish writing my brain takes a while to shut down but eventually it does even if only through sheer exhaustion. It's hard, painful and sometimes messy but it seems to be working.
Just a thought but if you are struggling with some old memories maybe try to write it out. I'm not saying write and post on FaceBook, but maybe in a small journal or notebook. If it isn't the thing for you than at least you tried it. Who knows? It might be exactly what you need; notice I did not say what you like but what you need. And if you have never had a painful experience or regret when congratulations to you; you might not even be human! I'm kidding, but seriously if you can't think of any experience you may have been incredibly sheltered and live in a hole in the ground. Smile people, 2016 is finally almost over!
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Friday, December 23, 2016
Work
There are days when I really can't stand my job. Don't roll your eyes at me, I know you go through the same feeling. I wanted to point that out briefly because when I do start feeling that way I remember the times when I didn't have a job or money. The desperate and scary times; like while I make rent, or can I afford food? Those times teach you how to never take work for granted, even when it sometimes frustrates or stresses you.
I was pretty lucky work wise initially; less than two weeks after my high school graduation is was in the Air Force. They housed, clothed, fed, and paid me! When I lived in the dorms I didn't ever pay for rent, or utilities, just food. When I was in base housing I paid rent but it was taken from my housing allowance so I never saw it come out of my paycheck because it didn't. Sure I couldn't call in sick to work or take a day off whenever I wanted but hell, I got paid for 30 days of vacation a year and at one point in time was working 4 days on, 4 days off! Plus the Air Force even gave me trips to help me save extra money! Two deployments, meant no place to spend my money and it just sat in my account waiting until I got home! Oh, did I mention those were tax free zones too? And do you think I saved any of it? Not really, a bit here and there but nothing like what I could and should have done.
Fast forward to when I got out, after I initially got down here I had a job with a temp agency that a military buddy set me up with. Eventually just as the name suggests, the temp job ended. Now I had no job; I wasn't very well versed in how to do resumes or even look for career type jobs. At one point I was turned down from McDonalds because I had too much experience, and turned away from Jack in the Box because I didn't have enough experience! Talk about mixed signals! I began to get panicky, my pitiful savings was pretty much dead and I didn't have any options. Finally I got a call from Home Depot about a cashiering job. I was so excited, never mind that it was only part time and a job that usually high school students not 25 year olds do. In my head it was a job, I didn't care if it was "lower" than what I was used to; it was simply an opportunity to not go homeless or hungry!
Later when I was working at my current job, I hit a beautiful manic phase. In a bad twist in timing I began receiving credit card offers right as the mania unfolded. I was suddenly able to magically buy whatever I wanted without paying for it! $600 engraved watch? Whole new wardrobe? Different car!? I could buy them all! Nothing stopped me until I racked up a crapload of credit debt, and creditors can be quite demanding; they actually wanted me to pay for the things I bought with their money! What jerks! Well because of the ensuing money chaos and the normal craziness that happens when the brain snaps from too much mania, I ended up slightly homeless. Once I was released from the hospital, I was really splitting my time between two different friend's houses. One that was close to where I worked and the other that was farther away but it was quieter and more rural so my brain could recollect itself.
Each time was a scary reminder that a job, any job is a hell of lot better than what many people have. They were brutal wake up calls that what you have financially should be wisely dealt with and smartly spent. But I think the most beautiful thing I learned is that those who are considered "needy" or destitute could be me or you at anytime. Beautiful might not be the right word to you, but it is to me because that simple realization can show us that we are all the same. No one is better or higher up, we are all at different points in our journey and we need each other to complete it. Some of us may be doing better financially but be destitute in relationships, family, or happiness. So this holiday season, maybe remember even if things are difficult, you are just as beautifully needed on this earth as every other person!
I was pretty lucky work wise initially; less than two weeks after my high school graduation is was in the Air Force. They housed, clothed, fed, and paid me! When I lived in the dorms I didn't ever pay for rent, or utilities, just food. When I was in base housing I paid rent but it was taken from my housing allowance so I never saw it come out of my paycheck because it didn't. Sure I couldn't call in sick to work or take a day off whenever I wanted but hell, I got paid for 30 days of vacation a year and at one point in time was working 4 days on, 4 days off! Plus the Air Force even gave me trips to help me save extra money! Two deployments, meant no place to spend my money and it just sat in my account waiting until I got home! Oh, did I mention those were tax free zones too? And do you think I saved any of it? Not really, a bit here and there but nothing like what I could and should have done.
Fast forward to when I got out, after I initially got down here I had a job with a temp agency that a military buddy set me up with. Eventually just as the name suggests, the temp job ended. Now I had no job; I wasn't very well versed in how to do resumes or even look for career type jobs. At one point I was turned down from McDonalds because I had too much experience, and turned away from Jack in the Box because I didn't have enough experience! Talk about mixed signals! I began to get panicky, my pitiful savings was pretty much dead and I didn't have any options. Finally I got a call from Home Depot about a cashiering job. I was so excited, never mind that it was only part time and a job that usually high school students not 25 year olds do. In my head it was a job, I didn't care if it was "lower" than what I was used to; it was simply an opportunity to not go homeless or hungry!
Later when I was working at my current job, I hit a beautiful manic phase. In a bad twist in timing I began receiving credit card offers right as the mania unfolded. I was suddenly able to magically buy whatever I wanted without paying for it! $600 engraved watch? Whole new wardrobe? Different car!? I could buy them all! Nothing stopped me until I racked up a crapload of credit debt, and creditors can be quite demanding; they actually wanted me to pay for the things I bought with their money! What jerks! Well because of the ensuing money chaos and the normal craziness that happens when the brain snaps from too much mania, I ended up slightly homeless. Once I was released from the hospital, I was really splitting my time between two different friend's houses. One that was close to where I worked and the other that was farther away but it was quieter and more rural so my brain could recollect itself.
Each time was a scary reminder that a job, any job is a hell of lot better than what many people have. They were brutal wake up calls that what you have financially should be wisely dealt with and smartly spent. But I think the most beautiful thing I learned is that those who are considered "needy" or destitute could be me or you at anytime. Beautiful might not be the right word to you, but it is to me because that simple realization can show us that we are all the same. No one is better or higher up, we are all at different points in our journey and we need each other to complete it. Some of us may be doing better financially but be destitute in relationships, family, or happiness. So this holiday season, maybe remember even if things are difficult, you are just as beautifully needed on this earth as every other person!
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Flashes
It just happened, suddenly without warning. My coworker was watching the video of the assassination of the Russian ambassador yesterday (I would not recommend this, it's graphic and no matter who a person is, they deserve dignity in death. It isn't something for new channels to use as a means of higher ratings) and the assassin started screaming "Allah Ackbar" over and over. Bam! I was back in Bucca! I mean, I know I wasn't actually there but my body and mind reacted as if I was. I turned, reaching for a weapon I didn't have, my brain was suddenly alive with adrenaline, and I already knew which person to take out first. Of course, that person was a tiny man on a computer, but still.
It's funny, the chants are always what get me. Booms, gun shots, crowds are not normally too much of an issue. I mean I have my days, but normally they don't throw me. But the chanting, it's always the chanting. It might be because in the prison it was the signal for a riot or some unrest. Maybe it's because I heard it wherever I went, in Pakistan it was from the giant city towers for the whole of Ramadan. In Bucca it was everywhere, in almost every compound some group was "praying." Here it's on TV, in movies, and I can't stand it.
It makes the hair on my neck stand up. Every receptor in my brain screams to look out for danger or attack. I can't help it, it's the natural reaction for me. After something like this, I normally get excessively chatty because my brain is trying to find a way to settle back down. I have often wondered why this of all things is my trigger.
Many of my friends find it irritating but not like I do. Most of them have more problems with the loud noises, etc. I think for me it's because my first reaction isn't fear, it's hatred. I hated hearing that chant during every riot, getting hit with every known bodily fluid. Watching them set fire to huts, guard towers, vehicles, anything they could get their hands on they destroyed. So that chant is engrained in my brain as the beginning of chaos and violence.
I think the reason I hate it so is because it simply means, God is Great (est). They would scream at me about God's Greatness while destroying everything around them. That went against everything I was taught growing up, regardless of the religion you treated it and it's followers with respect. By chanting about God (Allah) while trying to kill people or when they did actually do it, went against everything I could fathom.
Now I realize that terrorists are not regular Muslims but it's too bad that when I hear that chant, regardless of who says it my reaction will still be towards the terrorists. It's suddenly dawning on me, that this is probably the same way some people feel about the mainstream church. I'm not going to get too religious hear as I'm not a really religious person, but maybe as the hurt person (people) we might need to try again. I don't know if I can get past my anger and disdain of hearing that chant, but I can say that I know not all Muslims are terrorists, just like not all Christians are homophobes. And that might be a simple starting place.
It's funny, the chants are always what get me. Booms, gun shots, crowds are not normally too much of an issue. I mean I have my days, but normally they don't throw me. But the chanting, it's always the chanting. It might be because in the prison it was the signal for a riot or some unrest. Maybe it's because I heard it wherever I went, in Pakistan it was from the giant city towers for the whole of Ramadan. In Bucca it was everywhere, in almost every compound some group was "praying." Here it's on TV, in movies, and I can't stand it.
It makes the hair on my neck stand up. Every receptor in my brain screams to look out for danger or attack. I can't help it, it's the natural reaction for me. After something like this, I normally get excessively chatty because my brain is trying to find a way to settle back down. I have often wondered why this of all things is my trigger.
Many of my friends find it irritating but not like I do. Most of them have more problems with the loud noises, etc. I think for me it's because my first reaction isn't fear, it's hatred. I hated hearing that chant during every riot, getting hit with every known bodily fluid. Watching them set fire to huts, guard towers, vehicles, anything they could get their hands on they destroyed. So that chant is engrained in my brain as the beginning of chaos and violence.
I think the reason I hate it so is because it simply means, God is Great (est). They would scream at me about God's Greatness while destroying everything around them. That went against everything I was taught growing up, regardless of the religion you treated it and it's followers with respect. By chanting about God (Allah) while trying to kill people or when they did actually do it, went against everything I could fathom.
Now I realize that terrorists are not regular Muslims but it's too bad that when I hear that chant, regardless of who says it my reaction will still be towards the terrorists. It's suddenly dawning on me, that this is probably the same way some people feel about the mainstream church. I'm not going to get too religious hear as I'm not a really religious person, but maybe as the hurt person (people) we might need to try again. I don't know if I can get past my anger and disdain of hearing that chant, but I can say that I know not all Muslims are terrorists, just like not all Christians are homophobes. And that might be a simple starting place.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Baby steps
The last week has been a wild roller coaster ride! I've been trying to actually to work on my other project, and it's no where near finished; plus work has been quite busy with really weird situations that we don't normally deal with. Of course there was also last minute Christmas shopping which I actually enjoy doing just not in a rush. On Thursday, we took our dog to the vet for her annual checkup and because she had been acting a little sick. Well turns out she is very sick; she has Valley Fever, which for anyone not living in the Phoenix area, is a sickness similar to malaria, in that it takes months to get over and can always start up again. Our poor girl is fighting like a champ though, and with medication, she is expected to have a very good and long life. Now we, her and I, can take our meds together!
So trying to shake off the bad news, my GF and I decided to go drive around and look at Christmas lights last night. We found some awesome areas with lights set to music on the radio! It was a lot of fun and I felt like a little kid at, well, Christmas time. In the most amazing onset of sickness I have ever seen, my GF went from well, to sneezing, to sick in the space of maybe 40 minutes. Even though it's a crappy thing to happen, I'm frankly impressed at the speed of it. Now not to say all this because I'm complaining, I'm really not; all this is normal stuff in life and I get that flu's and sickness are a part of living. But driving in to work tonight, I suddenly just felt wasted, exhausted, and spent.
A part of my head just began to whisper, "Don't you just wish it was all over with? In the end everyone and everything dies." Whoa! Now, don't worry, I'm not getting weird. But I was a little surprised at how quickly and suddenly my mind could get completely morbid. I mean I worked in therapy for over a year to make sure I could catch the signals before they surprised me and yet they still managed to do it again! It surprised me enough that I completely stopped the rest of my thoughts and focused solely on that one.
I was pleasantly surprised that my first reaction was one of shock and irritation. It didn't always used to be that way. At one point I would have thought the whole idea through and at another I might have actually acted on it. So in one way I'm actually kind of happy that my immediate reaction wasn't a positive one. To be irritated by self-effacing thoughts is a big step for me. Another surprise is that my first thought wasn't being worried about hospitalization. When I first left the hospital, I was scared that every little thing could send me back to the psych word. Not that it was so bad up there but it feels as if your whole life is placed on hold until you're well enough to be released. Once you're out, suddenly it feels like you have to play catch up with the rest of the world.
Once I allowed these sick thoughts to rent space in my head, they began to take over it. Even though I work very hard to take my brain back, times like today remind me of just how easy it can be to slip right back into that sick place. It's taken a thousand baby steps to get where I'm at now and I must remind myself that it will take a thousand baby slips to fall back there again; unless I jump backwards or turn and run back up the trail. So today, I won't run forward, but I won't run backwards either and that will be enough for me.
So trying to shake off the bad news, my GF and I decided to go drive around and look at Christmas lights last night. We found some awesome areas with lights set to music on the radio! It was a lot of fun and I felt like a little kid at, well, Christmas time. In the most amazing onset of sickness I have ever seen, my GF went from well, to sneezing, to sick in the space of maybe 40 minutes. Even though it's a crappy thing to happen, I'm frankly impressed at the speed of it. Now not to say all this because I'm complaining, I'm really not; all this is normal stuff in life and I get that flu's and sickness are a part of living. But driving in to work tonight, I suddenly just felt wasted, exhausted, and spent.
A part of my head just began to whisper, "Don't you just wish it was all over with? In the end everyone and everything dies." Whoa! Now, don't worry, I'm not getting weird. But I was a little surprised at how quickly and suddenly my mind could get completely morbid. I mean I worked in therapy for over a year to make sure I could catch the signals before they surprised me and yet they still managed to do it again! It surprised me enough that I completely stopped the rest of my thoughts and focused solely on that one.
I was pleasantly surprised that my first reaction was one of shock and irritation. It didn't always used to be that way. At one point I would have thought the whole idea through and at another I might have actually acted on it. So in one way I'm actually kind of happy that my immediate reaction wasn't a positive one. To be irritated by self-effacing thoughts is a big step for me. Another surprise is that my first thought wasn't being worried about hospitalization. When I first left the hospital, I was scared that every little thing could send me back to the psych word. Not that it was so bad up there but it feels as if your whole life is placed on hold until you're well enough to be released. Once you're out, suddenly it feels like you have to play catch up with the rest of the world.
Once I allowed these sick thoughts to rent space in my head, they began to take over it. Even though I work very hard to take my brain back, times like today remind me of just how easy it can be to slip right back into that sick place. It's taken a thousand baby steps to get where I'm at now and I must remind myself that it will take a thousand baby slips to fall back there again; unless I jump backwards or turn and run back up the trail. So today, I won't run forward, but I won't run backwards either and that will be enough for me.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Traveling!
Have you ever wanted to just start over? Just begin life all over again and try maybe a different route? I get this feeling from time to time. This sudden urge to drop everything and disappear; go somewhere else and start over. When I get stressed it becomes very appealing. A few years ago I even attempted to do it. But I didn't get too far since I was exhausted from only sleeping a few minutes a day. Also I had absolutely no money so that made driving too far damn near impossible.
But I had a plan though! I was going to wait until my next payday and then head out. The rest of my awesome plan included, making money online via surveys and blogging; all from my IPhone since I didn't have a laptop with me. And I was going to drive, well, somewhere and sleep in the car until I got to somewhere. I know it's an insane idea now, but at the time it seemed perfectly natural. Even when I decided not to do it, it wasn't because I thought it was bad but that I felt bad for leaving everyone. The idea to drive off was still very much a doable thing in my head.
Obviously, now I know that it's a sign of severely deteriorating mental health but I think what confuses me is that even now it seems to be appealing at times. On one level I know it isn't what a sound person thinks or does, but on another level it sounds so mysterious and fun! The first time I thought of it, I was in a terrible relationship and stumbling around with an undiagnosed mental health condition so it's understandable. So what's wrong with me now? I'm more stable, in a good, healthy relationship, building good familial relationships and yet still I sometimes long for the excitement of the open road and the unfamiliar.
For a long time I thought that it was a part of my bipolar and for certain some part is. The idea of dropping everything and leaving, no job, no notice, no telling people, that is most certainly my crazy side talking. But the excitement of the unknown? Traveling to new places with no knowledge of the area? Those have been ingrained in me from childhood.
I thought back earlier tonight on how my childhood was different than a lot of people I know now. When I was young, my family seemed like the only one who stayed anywhere more than two years with the Army. Now many of my friends live here in Phoenix and either all their family is right here or they moved from "far away" places like L.A. One woman I worked with a couple years ago told me about how she was so sad and cried because she had to work on Christmas Day. I asked where her parents were at....The other side of town. I shit you not! She still got to go see them just as soon as her shift was over. I felt bad but I couldn't help myself and I started laughing at her. It was at that point that I realized not many other families were like mine and my military friends growing up.
That's where I got the other part of longing for travel! We moved from New York state to Missouri when I was six. After my dad got out of the active duty Army, we lived in Wisconsin for 10 months and then back to Missouri. By the time I had graduated high school, I had been to Canada, Mexico (3 times), Colorado Springs, Detroit, and Florida. Not to mention trips back to New York for family visits! It didn't end there, 10 days after I graduated I was on a plane to San Antonio for basic training. From there it was 2 years in Okinawa; where I visited the Philippines, Guam, and Pakistan. Then from lush tropics to freezing cold Minot, ND winter. Moving from there to Little Rock, AR and a stint in Iraq. In 2009 after getting out of the Air Force, I moved down here to Phoenix, AZ where I knew one person. And here I still am, almost 8 years later.
It's shocking, I just realized this is the longest I've lived anywhere except my childhood home. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave here and start up somewhere new. I do love it here. But the idea of what else is out there sometimes intrigues me. I love the idea that adventure is just around the next bend in the road. Maybe sometime I'll follow it just to see, but only when I'm ready not when my crazy is kicking into high gear. Remember not everything you have an excitement about is necessarily bad, it might be your long lost true passion coming back out!
But I had a plan though! I was going to wait until my next payday and then head out. The rest of my awesome plan included, making money online via surveys and blogging; all from my IPhone since I didn't have a laptop with me. And I was going to drive, well, somewhere and sleep in the car until I got to somewhere. I know it's an insane idea now, but at the time it seemed perfectly natural. Even when I decided not to do it, it wasn't because I thought it was bad but that I felt bad for leaving everyone. The idea to drive off was still very much a doable thing in my head.
Obviously, now I know that it's a sign of severely deteriorating mental health but I think what confuses me is that even now it seems to be appealing at times. On one level I know it isn't what a sound person thinks or does, but on another level it sounds so mysterious and fun! The first time I thought of it, I was in a terrible relationship and stumbling around with an undiagnosed mental health condition so it's understandable. So what's wrong with me now? I'm more stable, in a good, healthy relationship, building good familial relationships and yet still I sometimes long for the excitement of the open road and the unfamiliar.
For a long time I thought that it was a part of my bipolar and for certain some part is. The idea of dropping everything and leaving, no job, no notice, no telling people, that is most certainly my crazy side talking. But the excitement of the unknown? Traveling to new places with no knowledge of the area? Those have been ingrained in me from childhood.
I thought back earlier tonight on how my childhood was different than a lot of people I know now. When I was young, my family seemed like the only one who stayed anywhere more than two years with the Army. Now many of my friends live here in Phoenix and either all their family is right here or they moved from "far away" places like L.A. One woman I worked with a couple years ago told me about how she was so sad and cried because she had to work on Christmas Day. I asked where her parents were at....The other side of town. I shit you not! She still got to go see them just as soon as her shift was over. I felt bad but I couldn't help myself and I started laughing at her. It was at that point that I realized not many other families were like mine and my military friends growing up.
That's where I got the other part of longing for travel! We moved from New York state to Missouri when I was six. After my dad got out of the active duty Army, we lived in Wisconsin for 10 months and then back to Missouri. By the time I had graduated high school, I had been to Canada, Mexico (3 times), Colorado Springs, Detroit, and Florida. Not to mention trips back to New York for family visits! It didn't end there, 10 days after I graduated I was on a plane to San Antonio for basic training. From there it was 2 years in Okinawa; where I visited the Philippines, Guam, and Pakistan. Then from lush tropics to freezing cold Minot, ND winter. Moving from there to Little Rock, AR and a stint in Iraq. In 2009 after getting out of the Air Force, I moved down here to Phoenix, AZ where I knew one person. And here I still am, almost 8 years later.
It's shocking, I just realized this is the longest I've lived anywhere except my childhood home. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave here and start up somewhere new. I do love it here. But the idea of what else is out there sometimes intrigues me. I love the idea that adventure is just around the next bend in the road. Maybe sometime I'll follow it just to see, but only when I'm ready not when my crazy is kicking into high gear. Remember not everything you have an excitement about is necessarily bad, it might be your long lost true passion coming back out!
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Holiday Songs 2!
I know I was supposed to post more songs, but I got really busy at work last. Like I actually had to do my job! So sorry, but I couldn't post. But without further delay here is the next installment!
Tonight's first selection is "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant. There are actually two versions of this song and this one is more from Mary's point of view. I remember learning that Mary was most likely a younger teenager and thinking with a shock, "She was my age!" What terror and anticipation she must have had! I've always loved this song because it isn't necessarily Christmas-y, it can be listened to at any time of the year. Plus I love Amy Grant's voice, her range is where my imaginary range is so I could easily do hairbrush microphone singing!
The next song is also about Mary. "Mary Did You Know" has been sung by many. But most people don't realize the person who wrote it was Christian comic, Mark Lowry. This was probably when I started to realize that just because you're funny doesn't mean you can't be serious and have an impact. It's a wonderful song and Mark Lowry's vocal range is definitely heard. Plus as a fellow person with incessant questions, he asks some of the same questions I had.
Okay! Off to some lighter songs! "Winter Wonderland" by Avalon is so fun! It's got this jazzy harmony that I love. I would play it when I was babysitting my young brothers and we would dance to it. So every time I hear this I remember them as little kids and our dancing. Plus it was my secret, please God, let it snow so we don't have to go to school!
"Little Drummer Boy" is actually one of my dad's favorites, especially the Audio Adrenaline version. Every time I hear it, I can see my dad doing his little slight head banging imaginary guitar riff! He nails it by the way. It was one of the versions we played when we did our tree decorating.
Finally for the big win! "Away in a Manger"! Yeah, I know not really that original but it's the first Christmas song that I remember knowing all the words to. I can't remember why but I memorized the song as a little kid and it's always been a favorite for that reason. Plus I like not just any version of it, I like the Veggie Tales version! Just an added note, both the voices in the song are the same person.
Sorry I couldn't get more of the songs to download but hey, you must have YouTube so check them out if you want. I could keep going, but I bet you might get bored hearing all about what I like. What about your favorites? Get them out of storage, or just pull them up on YouTube. Listen to them, let good memories fill you. And most importantly, go out and make some more!
Tonight's first selection is "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant. There are actually two versions of this song and this one is more from Mary's point of view. I remember learning that Mary was most likely a younger teenager and thinking with a shock, "She was my age!" What terror and anticipation she must have had! I've always loved this song because it isn't necessarily Christmas-y, it can be listened to at any time of the year. Plus I love Amy Grant's voice, her range is where my imaginary range is so I could easily do hairbrush microphone singing!
The next song is also about Mary. "Mary Did You Know" has been sung by many. But most people don't realize the person who wrote it was Christian comic, Mark Lowry. This was probably when I started to realize that just because you're funny doesn't mean you can't be serious and have an impact. It's a wonderful song and Mark Lowry's vocal range is definitely heard. Plus as a fellow person with incessant questions, he asks some of the same questions I had.
Okay! Off to some lighter songs! "Winter Wonderland" by Avalon is so fun! It's got this jazzy harmony that I love. I would play it when I was babysitting my young brothers and we would dance to it. So every time I hear this I remember them as little kids and our dancing. Plus it was my secret, please God, let it snow so we don't have to go to school!
"Little Drummer Boy" is actually one of my dad's favorites, especially the Audio Adrenaline version. Every time I hear it, I can see my dad doing his little slight head banging imaginary guitar riff! He nails it by the way. It was one of the versions we played when we did our tree decorating.
Finally for the big win! "Away in a Manger"! Yeah, I know not really that original but it's the first Christmas song that I remember knowing all the words to. I can't remember why but I memorized the song as a little kid and it's always been a favorite for that reason. Plus I like not just any version of it, I like the Veggie Tales version! Just an added note, both the voices in the song are the same person.
Sorry I couldn't get more of the songs to download but hey, you must have YouTube so check them out if you want. I could keep going, but I bet you might get bored hearing all about what I like. What about your favorites? Get them out of storage, or just pull them up on YouTube. Listen to them, let good memories fill you. And most importantly, go out and make some more!
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Holiday Songs! Volume 1
First off , sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I am actually doing another writing project and I'm trying to do something completely un-bipolar and actually finish it! My brain has been kind of wrapped around the other thing and I'm having a hard time with some of the issues it brings up.
I just had a neat thought. Since it's the holiday season I thought I would find some songs that I like and explain why I love them so. It's more important to me in helping me not get too wrapped up in some of my darker mindsets. I was thinking maybe one or two a night, to help me stay holiday-ish but not overly so! I know not everyone is in a holiday mood but when I say holiday I don't necessarily mean gifts and all that stuff. Can you remember back when the whole season was just exciting and filled with wonder? Remember when you played outside, maybe in snow, all day and then had nice cups of hot cocoa with maybe your mom or dad at night? Just the joy of the holiday? Imagine that stuff, not the material.
My first song is "O Holy Night," particularly the one done by Point of Grace. The harmonies in the song are amazing!! Every time I hear it played the first memories are of me and my mom singing this. We sang it in the car during our rides most of the time to Wal-Mart. Almost every Saturday, when I was a teenager, my mom and I went to Wal-Mart in the evening after dinner, it was our little routine. And during the holidays this song played on the radio a lot and I think I had a CD of it as well. Anyways, I loved singing this with my mom, who has an amazing voice, if you have never heard her sing you're truly missing out! She would try to get me to harmonize and I tried but I am not as naturally gifted as she is. But we would have a great time, grimacing and laughing when one of our voices didn't quite hit the pitch and cracked. Also it was one of the times where we were just having a blast hanging out, not arguing just bonding. It was a very special time for me.
The second memory I have are oddly of a friend of mine who actually sang in a much lower octave. He had a beautiful voice and hearing him sing was breathtaking. In our church, we had Christmas Eve service's and even though he was a congregant at another church, many times he would sing this song, or Silent Night for the service. Hearing almost any version of either song reminds me of him. He passed away a few years ago but I can still hear his voice when I hear this song.
I have included a link at the end of the post. If you want to, take a listen! Enjoy the music and harmony. Remember the holiday season isn't just about gifts and parties, it's about enjoying the family and friends around us and remembering the good times we had with those who are no longer with us too. Tomorrow I hope to do a couple more songs, I just ran out of time tonight! Happy Holidays to all!
I just had a neat thought. Since it's the holiday season I thought I would find some songs that I like and explain why I love them so. It's more important to me in helping me not get too wrapped up in some of my darker mindsets. I was thinking maybe one or two a night, to help me stay holiday-ish but not overly so! I know not everyone is in a holiday mood but when I say holiday I don't necessarily mean gifts and all that stuff. Can you remember back when the whole season was just exciting and filled with wonder? Remember when you played outside, maybe in snow, all day and then had nice cups of hot cocoa with maybe your mom or dad at night? Just the joy of the holiday? Imagine that stuff, not the material.
My first song is "O Holy Night," particularly the one done by Point of Grace. The harmonies in the song are amazing!! Every time I hear it played the first memories are of me and my mom singing this. We sang it in the car during our rides most of the time to Wal-Mart. Almost every Saturday, when I was a teenager, my mom and I went to Wal-Mart in the evening after dinner, it was our little routine. And during the holidays this song played on the radio a lot and I think I had a CD of it as well. Anyways, I loved singing this with my mom, who has an amazing voice, if you have never heard her sing you're truly missing out! She would try to get me to harmonize and I tried but I am not as naturally gifted as she is. But we would have a great time, grimacing and laughing when one of our voices didn't quite hit the pitch and cracked. Also it was one of the times where we were just having a blast hanging out, not arguing just bonding. It was a very special time for me.
The second memory I have are oddly of a friend of mine who actually sang in a much lower octave. He had a beautiful voice and hearing him sing was breathtaking. In our church, we had Christmas Eve service's and even though he was a congregant at another church, many times he would sing this song, or Silent Night for the service. Hearing almost any version of either song reminds me of him. He passed away a few years ago but I can still hear his voice when I hear this song.
I have included a link at the end of the post. If you want to, take a listen! Enjoy the music and harmony. Remember the holiday season isn't just about gifts and parties, it's about enjoying the family and friends around us and remembering the good times we had with those who are no longer with us too. Tomorrow I hope to do a couple more songs, I just ran out of time tonight! Happy Holidays to all!
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Fun Questions!
Still alive! My mood is still kinda low but I'm doing alright. Today I feel the need to just write some fun little observations in an effort to get you and I chuckling. So how about questions that psych doctors ask! If you have ever had the opportunity to be evaluated you will know what I mean when I say sometimes I worry the doctor is crazier than me! Almost every evaluation begins with the same 40 to 50 questions or if you're incredibly lucky you get the 600 to 700 computer based questionnaire! I've been that lucky more than three times, technically once it was for my job application but still it's a long test! So without any further ado here are some of my favorites questions from the list!
First up! "Have you ever felt like your soul left your body?" Wow, umm I don't think so. Although if it did, would I know? I mean if my soul was gone how would I know? The soul is the essence of us as people so if it left and went on a vacation somewhere chances are we wouldn't even know. To this day I have no idea what disorder this is attempting to identify, I'll go with it's one of the ones designed to test your honesty.
"Do you compulsively lie?" No, I mean, yes! No! Oh hell! How do you know? I get the theory behind the question but really if I compulsively lie won't I say no anyways? And there are few cases, very few, of people who lie so much, they don't even know how to tell the truth. I have seen a few people like this. Like I just heard you on the phone with the ticket seller at Cardinal Stadium and they said you will have front row seats next season not this year and after you hang up you say to me, "I have front row seats for today's game!" I literally just heard them say next season! And you can't even tell that you're lying, it's rare but it happens. If I'm this far confused about what's the truth and what isn't, then chances are I really think I don't compulsively lie.
"Do you see things that aren't real?" Again, I get where you're going Doc, but if I'm seeing it, then it's probably real to me. If I can see the little green guy in the corner of the room, I'm going to think you're the nutty one if you tell me it isn't real! Of course with treatment and meds, he'll disappear but right now he seems pretty damn real. And maybe he is real...Maybe the doctor is the delusional one. Cue the beginning of paranoid psychosis!
My personal favorite-"Do you have any grandiose delusions about yourself?" This one is many times specifically designed for schizophrenics and manic psychotic bipolars. If I'm in the middle of a delusion, obviously I think that it's reality! Plus as the Queen of the Universe, I don't feel like talking with you, Doctor! Once the psychosis is over I can definitely say, "Yes, I have had this issue" but until it's over I'm going to have to rely on the doctors to decide whether it's a grandiose delusion or maybe I really am the Queen Mother's long lost daughter.
I will say though that almost all of my psych doctors have been very good. I butted heads with them from time to time and still do but they truly cared about my mental health. Even when I didn't. I just hated taking those questionnaires though! Now whenever I need to go to a new doctor, I simply tell them I don't need the questionnaire, look at my chart, I'm Bipolar, now let's move on from here!
First up! "Have you ever felt like your soul left your body?" Wow, umm I don't think so. Although if it did, would I know? I mean if my soul was gone how would I know? The soul is the essence of us as people so if it left and went on a vacation somewhere chances are we wouldn't even know. To this day I have no idea what disorder this is attempting to identify, I'll go with it's one of the ones designed to test your honesty.
"Do you compulsively lie?" No, I mean, yes! No! Oh hell! How do you know? I get the theory behind the question but really if I compulsively lie won't I say no anyways? And there are few cases, very few, of people who lie so much, they don't even know how to tell the truth. I have seen a few people like this. Like I just heard you on the phone with the ticket seller at Cardinal Stadium and they said you will have front row seats next season not this year and after you hang up you say to me, "I have front row seats for today's game!" I literally just heard them say next season! And you can't even tell that you're lying, it's rare but it happens. If I'm this far confused about what's the truth and what isn't, then chances are I really think I don't compulsively lie.
"Do you see things that aren't real?" Again, I get where you're going Doc, but if I'm seeing it, then it's probably real to me. If I can see the little green guy in the corner of the room, I'm going to think you're the nutty one if you tell me it isn't real! Of course with treatment and meds, he'll disappear but right now he seems pretty damn real. And maybe he is real...Maybe the doctor is the delusional one. Cue the beginning of paranoid psychosis!
My personal favorite-"Do you have any grandiose delusions about yourself?" This one is many times specifically designed for schizophrenics and manic psychotic bipolars. If I'm in the middle of a delusion, obviously I think that it's reality! Plus as the Queen of the Universe, I don't feel like talking with you, Doctor! Once the psychosis is over I can definitely say, "Yes, I have had this issue" but until it's over I'm going to have to rely on the doctors to decide whether it's a grandiose delusion or maybe I really am the Queen Mother's long lost daughter.
I will say though that almost all of my psych doctors have been very good. I butted heads with them from time to time and still do but they truly cared about my mental health. Even when I didn't. I just hated taking those questionnaires though! Now whenever I need to go to a new doctor, I simply tell them I don't need the questionnaire, look at my chart, I'm Bipolar, now let's move on from here!
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