Mixed up!

I'm tired. In the past approximately 36 hours, I have slept maybe 6 hours. No, I haven't been extremely busy, no crazy parties (well one, but that's neither here nor there.), no insane work schedule. My brain has just decided sleep isn't a necessity. Now I know I explained the ups and downs of bipolar before; tonight you get to enjoy the ultimate joy of bipolar disorder: the mixed episode.


Mixed episodes are pretty much exactly what they sound like; a blend of the beginning stages of mania (also known as hypomania) coupled with depressive episodes. People's experiences vary in length and severity, but most have similar issues during a mixed episode. Problems such as odd thoughts that randomly zoom thru the brain. Ideas, like a big spending spree, or racing cars, or yelling out loud for no reason, may seem absurd but in the moment it feels perfectly natural and you might even feel forced to do it. Interspersed between all this sudden joy are depressive thoughts. Remembering past regrets, old mistakes, or even things that weren't your fault intrude on the overly happy slightly crazy ideas. The result is a brain that will not stop, it will just keep shooting from thought to thought. One minute you want to start running again, the next moment movement isn't an option.


Basically, the brain hits this permanent spin cycle, up, up, and down, down (or maybe up, down, up, down). The brain is tired but won't stop. A person experiencing this can run through a whole cycle of emotions, happy, sad, angry, frustrated, joyful, in a short time. When asked what is happening, some may not be able to explain the way their head feels. When my brain hits that special type of over-drive, it sounds like a nest of angry bees getting louder and louder, I find myself either starting to talk over it (over course it is in my head so I end up yelling for no reason) or just getting so frustrated that I can't get the right words out.


This is difficult not only for the person experiencing the episode but for the people who live, work, hang out with them. My poor girlfriend has had the joy of trying to make sense of some of my crazier ideas, like living in an RV with no income, to trying to get me out of bed after two days of not moving or speaking. I'm incredibly grateful to be with someone who I can have bad days and not have it held against me.


Mixed episodes can be brought on by a change in medication, or not taking your medication, and sometimes they just show up. Many people with bipolar are more affected by significant weather changes, such as fall to winter, spring to summer. Almost every year I find myself starting to soar up, up, and away, from about Halloween to February. After around the beginning of February, my brain and body decide to start another mixed episode turning into a more depressed spiral. It's frustrating to know what my brain is doing and yet be slightly powerless to stop it. Continually taking my medications certainly helps, it usually stops the hypomania from turning into full-blown mania or the depressive thoughts from turning into living death. Sometimes the fight to just take my medication is the only fight I can handle. So if you run into me in the next few days, hell maybe couple of weeks, and I seem a little more weird than normal, just realize I'll be back to my only kinda crazy self in a short while.