Why you?

Recently, I got my medication dosage increased. This higher dosage has left me with a wonderful new side effect that I get to add to my repertoire, constipation! Don't worry I'm not about to delve into any vivid description! But I was thinking today as I chewed on some bran and prunes, why me?

Why am I one of the few people picked to have a mental illness? Why do I get to have the joy of feeling invincible coupled with the depth of depression? Who decided, "Hey Heather, sometimes you're going to have so much energy that you annoy yourself, you're going to have weird ideas and thoughts that you can't help but blurt out. Oh and by the way, sometimes you will be so low that you can't even think a single thought let alone speak, you'll be stuck in you bed until your mood shoots back up again. Good luck and enjoy!" I'm not whining (well maybe a bit), but I'm actually wondering, why? Why does there have to be such an illness at all?

How about you? I'm sure you've had the same ideas too. Why do you have to have a terrible divorce, a sick child, a history of abuse, rape, or another illness? What deity (I'm not getting religious, I promise) decided that YOU were the person to have this issue? Was it some cosmic joke or something deeper than that?

What if it was because at some point, a higher power (or fate, if you prefer) knew you would need more strength than you currently have and by going through the trials of life, you would gain the strength you need? Maybe it's fates' way of sanding down some rough spots? I used to think that a lot of mental illnesses were just a persons way of trying to get attention. ADHD? Nah, you just need to spank the kid, they'll get it. Bipolar, depressed? Nope, again spank them when they act up, and force them to move around, they're just being lazy! It wasn't until my own brain cracked from stress that I realized how hard some people are trying to be "normal." They can't or don't know how to explain what's going on in their head, so they just do what it tells them to, regardless of how embarrassing it is. And yes, many of them realize they are embarrassing themselves, they just don't know how to stop their head. Maybe fate is giving you strength through hardship, so when you are confronted with life's storms, you can look back and say "I made it through that storm, I'll make it through this one too."

What if you will be blessed with the opportunity to be a mentor? Maybe someday, someone will look up to you during their life storm. When they think no one will understand, or their pain/shame is too great; there you'll be, someone who will show them life is tough, but you can make it through, I did so can you. You can teach them to lift their head, push back against the storm, and help them fight on.

So for now, I'll continue to take my medication and live with the side effects of shaking hands, odd forgetfulness, and the god awful constipation. Why? Because I want to learn to live with my weird brain, and I want to take from life all it has to give. Maybe someday I'll be able to help someone else is asking, "Why me?"