Lately I've begun a new writing project and it's quickly become a little obsession. I've actually have to make myself take breaks just so I don't overwhelm myself. I'm simply trying to write out my deployment, at least the last one; I feel this intense urge just to put it on paper. Not because I'm all that important or did anything more than thousands of others, but sometimes I feel myself forgetting things and that terrifies me. I get scared that I will not remember it, the good and the bad.
Some days it feels so real that I can still smell it and taste the sand. It's too real and overwhelms me. I can't really do anything but focus on the actions of a 10 year ago me. The anger and hatred can feel suffocating. It scares me that there are still parts of me that can function in such an animalistic way. That I can still easily cut off any emotions and not let myself feel; I get worried that all the hard work I've done to feel again will be erased and this time they won't return again. On these days I won't do any writing, I instead find quiet things to do that remind of who I am now not what I used to be.
But other days, it feels like a dream I once had but I can't remember all the parts. Actions and things are hazy, not real. I panic when I feel like this; I'm terrified I will forget things. This was a moment in time that was historical, and even though minute, I had a little part in it. It puts a little extra meaning into life, one that makes me proud of my service. When I feel like this, I write as much as I can. I write out of sheer desperation to remember, to feel again what I once felt daily. At points it consumes my brain, I will walk around trying to make sentences and paragraphs to write down later. I could type for hours when this occurs. But I have to be careful because once I do this for too long it pushes right back into the first scenario where I get overwhelmed. It's a vicious cycle.
Mostly I write about it to heal. As I finish a portion or a typically difficult area, it's like I feel a little of the weight lifting. The more I can get out of me, the less it can overwhelm my senses and brain. As each part gets done, I breathe a little easier. I've found I am actually beginning to see and emphasize with certain people from that deployment that I hated for years. I'm beginning to be able to get past my small view of the situation and see it from their point of view. I know only time is the reason I can do that, maturity and experience are something that can't come overnight. But being able to put myself in their shoes has given me an added way of healing, they had orders to follow too and it must have been incredibly difficult to do that knowing it alienated you from your people.
As I finish each point, I'm actually allowing someone to read it. This is a huge step for me! I have written about things I've never really talked about. Some parts of it are not particular proud moments for me. So to be able to open up about certain things is incredibly difficult but exactly what I need to do. I'm very glad to have a friend who I know I can trust with my not so pretty moments. You know who you are! But all that to say that is why I haven't been blogging as much! I'm trying to prioritize it more!
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