Are We More Violent?

I have been noticing that many times when a person commits a terrible act, we automatically assume they are mentally ill or the press tells us they are. I for one find this annoying and many times downright angering. As a person with a mental illness, I find it degrading that someone would think I'm more capable of violence simply because I have an illness. That's like saying, left-handed people are Communists! Almost any person with an illness is no more likely to commit violence than any other regular person.
It angers me because it seems that mental illness is being used as a crutch to get the person out of lifetime or death sentences. I have bipolar, guess what I have never thought nor am I more inclined to commit mass murder. I've been severely depressed even suicidal and I've never tried to fly a plane into a mountain! Even at the height of my illness, I know the difference between right and wrong, I may be harmful to myself (not that that is ok) but rarely have I done anything more than raise my voice to others. Even if a person has a mental illness it does not play the final role in their actions, they deserve to be tried and convicted based on all their actions not just an illness. The very few mentally ill individuals who are truly a danger to society and themselves usually don't have the capacity to plan, prepare, and execute mass violence; their brain simply cannot work that way and many times they are hospitalized due to being unable to function in society. And if a person can think this way and prepare, plan, and execute such an operation, then that's fine proof that they are clearly thinking quite rationally in terms of right and wrong.
When people are told that the mentally ill commit more violence it just feeds the myth that they are scary and violent. When people believe this, then the mentally ill are more isolated and in some circumstances even harmed because others believe they may be hurt. This is many times even more noticeable if the person is a veteran with a mental illness. What is it about being a veteran that makes us more scary to people? Why do so many think that we will "snap" and begin killing everyone? This doesn't even really hold true with most mass killers, yes some are prior service but by far most aren't. So why are we even scarier?
Some may say it is because we have been violent or seen violence. That because of our training we are more quick to use violence as a weapon. I say that it's because of these reasons that most veterans are actually less likely to resort to violence. When a person has seen the damage violence can do, when they get the brutal final lesson of combat which is the ending of another's life, then they are much less likely to ever want to repeat it. If people think that veterans are possibly so "violent" then why are so many of us having problems returning home? Why do we have the nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia, anxiety, and depression? Because we are trained violent monsters who love to harm and kill? No, it's because we did things that for some of us went against the way our minds operated and now our violence has become our nightmare.
Most of us, both veterans and those with illnesses, just want to belong to a society where we don't have to hide. I'm grateful that I have a group of friends who I can tell them when I'm having a difficult day. When things are making sense in my head, they simply allow me the space or try and help me figure it out. I don't have to feel like there is a part of me that I have to conceal from them. But there are many people who don't have a support system or are too afraid of rejection to tell others.

Meds

I love seeing those memes on Facebook that talk about big pharmacy companies and how they are just creating more addicts instead of helping heal people. I agree to a point that it is the truth, got a headache? Pop a pill. Earache? Pill. Toe ache? you guessed it! Many times we no longer use the home remedies we learned as children, mint tea, warm milk, hot washcloth etc... We have become reliant on instant feel good medications.


But I only agree to a point. There are some things that require medication, serious illness,  bad injury, and of course, mental illness. I hate that I must rely on stupid medications to make my brain work somewhat correctly! I love how people, doctors included, try to gently break the news that you're going to be medication dependent for a long time or maybe the rest of your life. "Your brain works different, or has quirks, a glitch. You feel emotions more deeply than most people. You see things differently  than others (my personal favorite)" are all things I have heard from people in the medical field. All I hear is, "You're broken and there is no cure. Take this pill." I would love to have some homeopathic remedy that would work! There are some types of herbs that seem to make some symptoms lessen but not well enough for me.


So after a while, I see those memes and I either want to scream or take it's advice and stop my medications. Don't worry, I haven't done that...yet. I have offered to some people that I will come live with them and quit my meds just so they can see how much "fun" I get. So far no one has taken me up on this offer! Now I know the stupid meme is just about the over use of medications for shit we don't need it for but still it irritates me. Possibly because what I struggle with is not visible, no can see my brain misfiring or shorting out. It's not a physical disability and so it's easily forgotten by the people who don't have to deal with it daily. It's like this post, you get to read the finished version, edited, hopefully properly spelled, and formatted. You don't see the deletes, misspells, and eternal wandering thoughts that are pushed and rewritten to make sense. That's how a mental illness works, on the outside everything might look fine. We're punctual, do our work, smile, talk, interact and go home. No one sees the anxiety, brain confusion, depression, irritability, insomnia, and of course, the pills.


Now I know the meme is just supposed to be funny and most times I just laugh and shrug it off. Really I don't hate the poster but some days it just irritates me. But today is not that day. Today was a day where I felt constantly brain broken, not for any particular reason just a part of my "glitches" that my head now has. I'm not trying to whine or sound pitiful, I just get frustrated and don't like to struggle so much.

Writing to feel

Lately I've begun a new writing project and it's quickly become a little obsession. I've actually have to make myself take breaks just so I don't overwhelm myself. I'm simply trying to write out my deployment, at least the last one; I feel this intense urge just to put it on paper. Not because I'm all that important or did anything more than thousands of others, but sometimes I feel myself forgetting things and that terrifies me. I get scared that I will not remember it, the good and the bad.








Some days it feels so real that I can still smell it and taste the sand. It's too real and overwhelms me. I can't really do anything but focus on the actions of a 10 year ago me. The anger and hatred can feel suffocating. It scares me that there are still parts of me that can function in such an animalistic way. That I can still easily cut off any emotions and not let myself feel; I get worried that all the hard work I've done to feel again will be erased and this time they won't return again. On these days I won't do any writing, I instead find quiet things to do that remind of who I am now not what I used to be.








But other days, it feels like a dream I once had but I can't remember all the parts. Actions and things are hazy, not real. I panic when I feel like this; I'm terrified I will forget things. This was a moment in time that was historical, and even though minute, I had a little part in it. It puts a little extra meaning into life, one that makes me proud of my service. When I feel like this, I write as much as I can. I write out of sheer desperation to remember, to feel again what I once felt daily. At points it consumes my brain, I will walk around trying to make sentences and paragraphs to write down later. I could type for hours when this occurs. But I have to be careful because once I do this for too long it pushes right back into the first scenario where I get overwhelmed. It's a vicious cycle.








Mostly I write about it to heal. As I finish a portion or a typically difficult area, it's like I feel a little of the weight lifting. The more I can get out of me, the less it can overwhelm my senses and brain. As each part gets done, I breathe a little easier. I've found I am actually beginning to see and emphasize with certain people from that deployment that I hated for years. I'm beginning to be able to get past my small view of the situation and see it from their point of view. I know only time is the reason I can do that, maturity and experience are something that can't come overnight. But being able to put myself in their shoes has given me an added way of healing, they had orders to follow too and it must have been incredibly difficult to do that knowing it alienated you from your people.








As I finish each point, I'm actually allowing someone to read it. This is a huge step for me! I have written about things I've never really talked about. Some parts of it are not particular proud moments for me. So to be able to open up about certain things is incredibly difficult but exactly what I need to do. I'm very glad to have a friend who I know I can trust with my not so pretty moments. You know who you are! But all that to say that is why I haven't been blogging as much! I'm trying to prioritize it more!

Mistake?

The other day I was talking with a friend about the military sending more troops to Iraq. Now I'm not going to get political here, just giving the basics of the conversation. At the end of the conversation, my friend casually said, "The Iraqi war was just a useless waste." Now I know this person didn't mean this in a rude or demeaning way. They would never mean it to be hurtful, it was just a casual  comment that is becoming very common nowadays. But still, umm, ouch! It got me thinking though, about the ways that being there wasn't useless at all.


Right or not, we went there with good intentions. Again, I hate anything political and try to stay away from it because well, I think most of it and the people in it are bullshit. But in the end, we did free the Iraqi people from an evil dictator who suppressed his people. I don't care if you don't believe me, until you have been there and seen some of the opulent palaces mixed with dirt poverty. Better yet seen the torture chambers that were Saddam's sons playground don't act like you know anything about it. We gave the Iraqi people a chance to decide what government they want, now it's up to them to create a new future or fall back into the hands of another dictator. But at least for one moment they had a choice to make a new history.


I learned about myself. I found out that physically I could do a lot more than I thought. Not that I wanted to learn it but I did! Mentally, I found where my limits were; I also found that minds can break. Monsters live in everyone it's just how you decide to deal with them that decides whether you beat them or not. Trying to act like they don't exist will bottle you up until you explode. But letting it out to run rampant will ruin your life. It's a fine line of acknowledging it and yet not letting it run your life but also not hiding from it either.


It's truly the little things in life that matter. I grew up with seeing my parents and brothers every day, I figured once I joined the AF I would miss them but I had no idea how much  that it would really be. Just a simple phone call, hearing their voices reminded me that they were real, and there was life outside of this crazy one. I never really appreciated how much I love them until it was almost impossible to call them.


Probably the most important reason I will never call it a mistake; by saying the whole war was is a mistake, we say all the thousands of men and women who died there were for a mistake. For me, that's the most disgraceful thing we as a nation could ever say or imply. It's simply not an option to me. I won't over glamorize some political opinion about Iraq, but I will say that when their nation called, thousands of men and women gave up everything, including their lives to answer that call. Who would ever dare say that was a mistake? No rational thinking person would.

Tattoo!

Hello all! I hope your holidays were happy and joyous. I know it's a New Year and everyone has resolutions, but I find them to be far too difficult to keep so I don't make any. If I have to make one it would be probably something like to get more tattoos. Seriously, I have some space left on one arm and almost a whole arm to get done. I love getting tattoos, the art, even the needle pain seem to produce a meditative state for me.


I'm not the only one who finds it peaceful! Many people with mental disorders, especially bipolar, say that the whole experience gives them a comfort and type of peace. I think some of it may be because you must sit or lie (depending on the body area being tattooed) completely still. This forces me to not move and in order to do that I must calm my mind. My breathing has to slow down and without being really conscious of it, my mind begins to shut off some of the thoughts.


That's all nice you might think, but what about the pain? I actually like that to an extent. Now there are areas that just flat out hurt, no way around it! But at least at first, I find the needle to be quite soothing. Weird I know, especially since I'm terrified of needles; like I can't even hold them without feeling queasy. But again once the guy starts with the needle, I can't move, I just need to suck it in and embrace the whole experience.


For some people they've stated that the needle part helps them feel less self-harming, I can kind of see where they are coming from. Having someone go over and over your skin with a needle hurts after a while and your brain will begin to focus on that pain. However instead of doing it to yourself and possibly severely harming yourself, someone else is doing it and creating something beautiful. A kind of "beauty from pain" concept. One way to explain it is, for me, I don't tend to hurt myself like cutting or burning but when I get really overwhelmed, frustrated, or my head races too much, I like to hit my head with my fist. Nothing crazy, and I don't do it that much anymore because I feel more stable. But I don't do it to really cause pain as much as to jar my brain. For some reason the jarring motion feels comforting to me; another more helpful I found to do this is jump rope. The jumping does the jarring with no head trauma!


Finally the combination of being motionless, the tattooing and the buzzing of the needle motor, has this almost hypnotic affect on me. It's like I'm awake but my brain is napping. Many times I feel like I've taken a nap after getting done. I've seen some people actually go to sleep while getting tattooed. I'm not that good! Also in a totally non-cathartic way, getting tattoos is said to possibly help the body fight off sicknesses, like colds or flus. By the needle piercing the skin rapidly apparently that opens the body's' immune system up for small periods of time and helps it create immunity to various sicknesses.


So all that to say, don't worry about making a New Year's resolution, just be you! But if you just have to have a resolution, maybe get a tattoo! They are fun, can be totally unique, and any reputable shop is going to be incredibly sterile so don't you worry about getting needle disease! Seriously, though I really do need to get another tattoo.