Spring!

I love and hate this time of year. Everything is alive, trees blooming, baby birds, and yet the creepy bugs haven't quite arrived yet. Spring is such a fun time! It's finally nice to be outside again; taking a walk doesn't require wrapping up, of course here in AZ it rarely ever does. But you all get my drift, at times I think I can feel the earth inhaling after its winter. I love the feeling of new life, the energy of earth gearing up for the summer!
But this is also the time that my mood starts to spiral. I feel so alive and also crabby that everyone can't keep up with me. I want to spend money, getting my taxes back is somewhat of a life saver. I have only bought about half of a new wardrobe so far, I'm quite proud of myself. I want to be a little crazy, live a wild life! And I get so frustrated because I know I can't. I can't allow myself to let loose, at least not the way I want to.
This is the time of year that occasionally my medications don't work, as if life isn't difficult enough now I get to try new meds or different doses. Last year, I went through two different medications, one of which wasn't even supposed to be used as a mood stabilizer. It was a lovely anti-psychotic that was a very small dose and I didn't care about anything! It was quite relaxing, but not the best for someone in a job  that occasionally has aggressive interactions. But at the time I thought I was really going nuts, and was freaking out at the doctor's office. Thankfully he told me that med changes are not uncommon and that many bipolar people have certain times of the year that are more difficult.
My brain wants all the alive feelings that bipolar me can create! I don't want to sleep at all and when I do I dream of all the fun things I could be doing when I'm awake. I actually dreamt about going on a bender the other night, I could literally taste the alcohol. I woke up feeling guilty as hell but also wanting to have it again. I can almost literally hear my brain whispering to me that one drink wouldn't be so bad. Then I think I'm going even more crazy because I can now hear my brain!
As always in the back of my head there is the fear that if I do go all in, the crash is patiently waiting to strike. It's like I'm playing Truth or Dare, using only Dares and I'm playing against myself. It would be so tempting and right now it looks so fun but do I really want to pick up the pieces after I wake back up? I have finally gotten to  a place of trust with friends and family, and (some) respect at work, do I really want to piss it all away? Rational me says of course not, but crazy, albeit more fun me says, come on, I dare you! Damn you, Springtime!