I love and hate this time of year. Everything is alive, trees blooming, baby birds, and yet the creepy bugs haven't quite arrived yet. Spring is such a fun time! It's finally nice to be outside again; taking a walk doesn't require wrapping up, of course here in AZ it rarely ever does. But you all get my drift, at times I think I can feel the earth inhaling after its winter. I love the feeling of new life, the energy of earth gearing up for the summer!
But this is also the time that my mood starts to spiral. I feel so alive and also crabby that everyone can't keep up with me. I want to spend money, getting my taxes back is somewhat of a life saver. I have only bought about half of a new wardrobe so far, I'm quite proud of myself. I want to be a little crazy, live a wild life! And I get so frustrated because I know I can't. I can't allow myself to let loose, at least not the way I want to.
This is the time of year that occasionally my medications don't work, as if life isn't difficult enough now I get to try new meds or different doses. Last year, I went through two different medications, one of which wasn't even supposed to be used as a mood stabilizer. It was a lovely anti-psychotic that was a very small dose and I didn't care about anything! It was quite relaxing, but not the best for someone in a job that occasionally has aggressive interactions. But at the time I thought I was really going nuts, and was freaking out at the doctor's office. Thankfully he told me that med changes are not uncommon and that many bipolar people have certain times of the year that are more difficult.
My brain wants all the alive feelings that bipolar me can create! I don't want to sleep at all and when I do I dream of all the fun things I could be doing when I'm awake. I actually dreamt about going on a bender the other night, I could literally taste the alcohol. I woke up feeling guilty as hell but also wanting to have it again. I can almost literally hear my brain whispering to me that one drink wouldn't be so bad. Then I think I'm going even more crazy because I can now hear my brain!
As always in the back of my head there is the fear that if I do go all in, the crash is patiently waiting to strike. It's like I'm playing Truth or Dare, using only Dares and I'm playing against myself. It would be so tempting and right now it looks so fun but do I really want to pick up the pieces after I wake back up? I have finally gotten to a place of trust with friends and family, and (some) respect at work, do I really want to piss it all away? Rational me says of course not, but crazy, albeit more fun me says, come on, I dare you! Damn you, Springtime!
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Drumming on
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a little bit "different." Not weird, per se, but not like most other girls. My mom used to say that I marched to the beat of my own drum, heck some people might say I made a totally different drum too! I'm not upset about being a little untraditional from female stereotypes. Actually I think it's this reason that has helped me become a strong, out of the box individual.
As a young girl, I rarely played with dolls, I thought it was too boring. I did play with army men, GI Joe, and toy guns though! Once my grandfather gave me the Happy Birthday Barbie as a gift, you know the collectors item one. I took her up to my room, tied on a homemade parachute and threw her out the window! I just wanted to see her float....She didn't.
I always disliked putting on makeup, actually I still do. Not that I have anything against it, I just don't like doing it. It takes a lot of time and feels weird on my face. In middle school, a bunch of girls in my school ganged up on me and held me down while trying to put lipstick on my face. I'm not really sure where they got the idea from but they never tried it again. As soon as the lipstick got close to my face, I bit it and then spit it out on the ground! Ahh, victory!
Prom, many people wish they could redo their prom night or go with someone else. I hated my prom. I was so bored! I could have had so much more fun staying home, eating pizza, and playing football in the house with my brothers! I mean actual football, not a videogame, we didn't have one in my house. Seriously, my biggest prom regret was actually going to it. I was so bored and uncomfortable in my dress.
These memories hopefully gave you a chuckle, I laugh every time I think of them. For a long time though I thought being feminine meant being girly. Which is why I'm in my thirties and still learning to cook! Really it's not my parents fault, they tried but I was stubborn and defiant against learning.
The more I look back on this stuff, I see more and more how being a little odd, different, whatever you call it has helped me in my job now. I work with kids who have problems, real issues like drug abuse, criminal actions, abuse, no parents, the list only gets worse. They are what society call "different." They don't conform with 99% of their peers, they are the odd ducks and all they want is to be treated just like everyone else. Of course, my growing up was nowhere near as traumatic as theirs, but I understand being odd and not quite fitting in. So I don't regret being a little "different," many times it actually helps me build a report with the youth I supervise. And if it helps a few of them realize that different doesn't mean damaged or that they can recover from setbacks, than I will be more than happy with being "different."
As a young girl, I rarely played with dolls, I thought it was too boring. I did play with army men, GI Joe, and toy guns though! Once my grandfather gave me the Happy Birthday Barbie as a gift, you know the collectors item one. I took her up to my room, tied on a homemade parachute and threw her out the window! I just wanted to see her float....She didn't.
I always disliked putting on makeup, actually I still do. Not that I have anything against it, I just don't like doing it. It takes a lot of time and feels weird on my face. In middle school, a bunch of girls in my school ganged up on me and held me down while trying to put lipstick on my face. I'm not really sure where they got the idea from but they never tried it again. As soon as the lipstick got close to my face, I bit it and then spit it out on the ground! Ahh, victory!
Prom, many people wish they could redo their prom night or go with someone else. I hated my prom. I was so bored! I could have had so much more fun staying home, eating pizza, and playing football in the house with my brothers! I mean actual football, not a videogame, we didn't have one in my house. Seriously, my biggest prom regret was actually going to it. I was so bored and uncomfortable in my dress.
These memories hopefully gave you a chuckle, I laugh every time I think of them. For a long time though I thought being feminine meant being girly. Which is why I'm in my thirties and still learning to cook! Really it's not my parents fault, they tried but I was stubborn and defiant against learning.
The more I look back on this stuff, I see more and more how being a little odd, different, whatever you call it has helped me in my job now. I work with kids who have problems, real issues like drug abuse, criminal actions, abuse, no parents, the list only gets worse. They are what society call "different." They don't conform with 99% of their peers, they are the odd ducks and all they want is to be treated just like everyone else. Of course, my growing up was nowhere near as traumatic as theirs, but I understand being odd and not quite fitting in. So I don't regret being a little "different," many times it actually helps me build a report with the youth I supervise. And if it helps a few of them realize that different doesn't mean damaged or that they can recover from setbacks, than I will be more than happy with being "different."
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