Madness

I have a confession to make. I love the madness a little bit. The beginning of it is magical, I can feel my true self waking up. The excitement of uncertainty and the overwhelming just raw feeling is intoxicating! Colors are prettier, jokes are funnier, everything is just more! When I get feeling this way I can't help but want to continue into the madness. Anything might happen here! I might party all night or get arrested, either way I'm having a great time!
I try to remind myself that this isn't the real me, but it doesn't feel true. How could the real me need pills and therapy? What if the "real" me is the wild, mad one and the fake is what I become when forced into my medicated shell? Do I really want to be medicated or is it better to be deliciously mad, wild and free?
If only I could stay a little mad then I would be happy and content. But I can't and a part of me knows the truth, my madness will never stop. It will take away everything that I value and hold dear. My family, my friends, they will eventually disappear, pushed away by me and my madness. Madness allows no place for anyone else, not even me. She will burn and burn until my brain boils and collapses. Then madness will suddenly leave having used me all up.
If I get lucky the cycle will begin again, medications and therapy. Reconnecting with family and friends, regaining trust. My head will slowly recollect its wits and I will begin to reset myself. If I'm lucky.
But the madness might have pushed to far, pills and therapy might not be enough at first. Hospitals and nurses might be the first stop, maybe jail. Madness might have taken me much farther than I wanted, because it never takes no as answer. Sometimes I worry madness will take over completely that there will be no return.
And yet, when it first begins I love it. The first stirrings are a thrill to my soul. I try to remember that there is no such thing as a little bit mad just like one can't be sort of full. But the call is always nearby, madness will call me relentlessly until one of us gives in.