Poor Me Rant

I wish my head wouldn't mess with me so much. Or maybe I wish it would be visible so others could see it and realize I'm not a nutty as I seem. Yeah, that would be nice. I'm to the point that getting odd looks, or having people tell me, "no that's not acceptable," while backing away, doesn't really bother me anymore. But some days it does. Like when I'm actually trying to prove that I really do know my job, but no one really pays attention because they just expect me to blurt out some off-topic thing. Or when every solution I offer to a problem gets looked over because it sounds weird or insane; think it over again it just might work.


Most of the time I like my head, it's a little strange and comes up with some weird stuff that surprises even me, but that's what's so fun about it. I like never knowing what great idea will take hold in my brain, I just hope it's not too illegal or dangerous. Sometimes my head gets caught in a rut and I find myself stuck on a topic or task, relentlessly trying to figure out everything and anything about it. For example, for the last two hours I have been looking for a particular song, I can't remember the name of it, who wrote it, or what cd it's on. Hell, for all I know, it's not even a song but some weird figment of my crazy head! But I have been stuck searching online for songs that sound like it, or might trigger the name of it, etc. This is not enjoyable, mainly because as I close in on that particular song, I will suddenly find another one, I MUST listen to. It's relentless, until my brain gets bumped to another topic.


Some days, I have so much energy to write and be creative! Usually it's when I'm laying in bed desperately trying to go to sleep. I realize this is not just a bipolar issue, but one many people have; however many people don't take around 8-10 different pills to knock them out and still they don't work. That's the joy of mental illness, your brain is fighting against you trying to get better. Every time you find a medicine or therapy that works, the brain will begin to fight against it! Argh! It's incredibly frustrating, trying to find a balance between ill and well, where each side can just be happy.


I would love to find the "perfect" amount and type of medications, I don't think I would even whine too much about the side affects. It's awful knowing that some times no matter what you do or take, the meds won't work. Take the other day, even taking my prescriptions, I went almost a week of sleeping only 3 to 4 hours. Why? Hell if I know, maybe I need new ones or maybe my brain just peaked up with our unseasonably hot weather. One of those days I did skip my medicine because of some appointments; I was afraid that if I took my meds I would miss the appointments. I told my doctor this, just to be honest not because I was planning of skipping them again. I told him how exhausted I was with just taking them and that I missed one day and why. I was treated to a five minute lecture about medication compliance! He totally missed the point, but what really pissed me off was the way he talked to me; like a child who had forgotten to make the bed. Umm, the last I checked I was all grown up, I might not be working with full mental capability but I know when I'm being treated condescendingly.


 I think that's what hurts the worst, having people not take what I say seriously, or expect me to make a joke instead of actually provide substance to the conversation. Most people probably don't even do it on purpose and I'm so used to being expected to have a joke that I don't really try to be in the conversation anymore. Well my "poor me" rant is over now, I guess I just needed to get it out. But as a reminder, don't underestimate those of us  that are mentally ill, not only does it hinder us, but we can feel condescension even if we can't put words to it.