I wish my head wouldn't mess with me so much. Or maybe I wish it would be visible so others could see it and realize I'm not a nutty as I seem. Yeah, that would be nice. I'm to the point that getting odd looks, or having people tell me, "no that's not acceptable," while backing away, doesn't really bother me anymore. But some days it does. Like when I'm actually trying to prove that I really do know my job, but no one really pays attention because they just expect me to blurt out some off-topic thing. Or when every solution I offer to a problem gets looked over because it sounds weird or insane; think it over again it just might work.
Most of the time I like my head, it's a little strange and comes up with some weird stuff that surprises even me, but that's what's so fun about it. I like never knowing what great idea will take hold in my brain, I just hope it's not too illegal or dangerous. Sometimes my head gets caught in a rut and I find myself stuck on a topic or task, relentlessly trying to figure out everything and anything about it. For example, for the last two hours I have been looking for a particular song, I can't remember the name of it, who wrote it, or what cd it's on. Hell, for all I know, it's not even a song but some weird figment of my crazy head! But I have been stuck searching online for songs that sound like it, or might trigger the name of it, etc. This is not enjoyable, mainly because as I close in on that particular song, I will suddenly find another one, I MUST listen to. It's relentless, until my brain gets bumped to another topic.
Some days, I have so much energy to write and be creative! Usually it's when I'm laying in bed desperately trying to go to sleep. I realize this is not just a bipolar issue, but one many people have; however many people don't take around 8-10 different pills to knock them out and still they don't work. That's the joy of mental illness, your brain is fighting against you trying to get better. Every time you find a medicine or therapy that works, the brain will begin to fight against it! Argh! It's incredibly frustrating, trying to find a balance between ill and well, where each side can just be happy.
I would love to find the "perfect" amount and type of medications, I don't think I would even whine too much about the side affects. It's awful knowing that some times no matter what you do or take, the meds won't work. Take the other day, even taking my prescriptions, I went almost a week of sleeping only 3 to 4 hours. Why? Hell if I know, maybe I need new ones or maybe my brain just peaked up with our unseasonably hot weather. One of those days I did skip my medicine because of some appointments; I was afraid that if I took my meds I would miss the appointments. I told my doctor this, just to be honest not because I was planning of skipping them again. I told him how exhausted I was with just taking them and that I missed one day and why. I was treated to a five minute lecture about medication compliance! He totally missed the point, but what really pissed me off was the way he talked to me; like a child who had forgotten to make the bed. Umm, the last I checked I was all grown up, I might not be working with full mental capability but I know when I'm being treated condescendingly.
I think that's what hurts the worst, having people not take what I say seriously, or expect me to make a joke instead of actually provide substance to the conversation. Most people probably don't even do it on purpose and I'm so used to being expected to have a joke that I don't really try to be in the conversation anymore. Well my "poor me" rant is over now, I guess I just needed to get it out. But as a reminder, don't underestimate those of us that are mentally ill, not only does it hinder us, but we can feel condescension even if we can't put words to it.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Friday, February 3, 2017
Prison Problems!
Tonight will more than likely be rant night. You have been warned. It might be pms or the crazies, but it's going to be a straightforward post. First off, I'm still trying to stay away from the more political aspects that are occurring but I can't hold back my thoughts on what happened in Delaware. Because I have a job in a corrections (yes, even a juvenile one) type environment any time I here about a jail or prison official being injured or killed, it strikes a little close to home. Yesterday, there was a large scale riot and hostage situation in a Delaware prison. I don't live or work in that area so I won't pretend to know whether the riot was "justified" or not; personally, there is no justification about it to me. Instead I would rather focus on the corrections side of law enforcement and some reasons that may or may not add to issues within the corrections field.
1. Qualifications: Most people don't know what qualifies a person to work in a prison. In Arizona, you must a) be over 21 years of age (in some states such as New Mexico, it's 18), b) have a high school diploma or GED, and c) pass a background check. There are some physical requirements but they aren't really difficult. Really, this is it. Oh and the pay is pretty crappy around $13.00 an hour, especially since this is a metropolitan area and the cost of living is high. Plus, you get mandatory over-time occasionally! Who wouldn't want that?!
So to work in an incredibly dangerous environment where people may actually try to kill you, you don't need any more special skills? I realize that at 19 I was in a war zone but shit at least I had a gun and the option to use it if necessary! Most CO's have to worry about getting in trouble for excessive force if they even slip up in the heat of the moment. There are inmates with higher educational degrees than the CO's! And who has time to do school with the mandatory OT?! Not that "higher education" is necessarily always good; some of the dumbest, most dangerous people I have ever worked with had college level educations. Having that kid that just finished school and this is their first real job as the person that is watching your back is a terrifying feeling!
2. People want more prisons, stricter laws, immediate justice! That sounds beautiful, but where do you want the prisons? Not near cities, or towns, and heaven forbid, near housing areas! Who pays for these new prisons? Nobody wants their taxes raised to buy the land, build, and employ people. So where should they go, Mars?
Ah, more strict laws, a personal favorite of mine! I do love the idea of law and justice being strict and swift, yet I am also aware that prisons are overcrowded, terrifyingly so. What do we do about over-crowding? Don't jump right to building more prisons, I believe we covered that; so what to do? Have you seen what happens when prisons overflow? The violence that occurs between inmates, CO's, and the rapid escalation of force because of overwhelming numbers? I have, and it's ugly. Yes, justice should be swift and strict but not overly cruel.
3. I find that people are largely split about prisons and inmates. About half don't want to even think about inmates; out of sight, out of mind. But they really aren't, more than 70% of prison inmates will one day be out on the street. So while they are in prison, isn't it our responsibility as a community to ensure that a) they are getting rehabilitated, and b) getting some type of training for when they are released? We cannot turn a blind eye to ineffective prison systems and then blame the inmates for not being rehabilitated!
The other side of people are all about getting inmates rehabilitated, treated, and trained; sometimes to the point of forgetting that these people did commit crimes. They should not be treated with kid gloves and people should never forget that some of them can and will be violent again. What is needed is for inmates to be penalized for committing a crime while being offered options of things they can do to ensure they don't need to commit the crime again. In short, penalize but also teach.
I realize I am not a subject matter expert, I work juvenile corrections, they aren't adults but the beginnings for both are eerily the same, underfunded and overlooked. People don't want to know the problems that exist in corrections because then they would be responsible for finding a way to fix it. Many people love to scream and protest about injustices in corrections but they don't want to work in the system and bring about change. And most of those that do work in it, will retire, jaded and angry; if they don't quit first.
1. Qualifications: Most people don't know what qualifies a person to work in a prison. In Arizona, you must a) be over 21 years of age (in some states such as New Mexico, it's 18), b) have a high school diploma or GED, and c) pass a background check. There are some physical requirements but they aren't really difficult. Really, this is it. Oh and the pay is pretty crappy around $13.00 an hour, especially since this is a metropolitan area and the cost of living is high. Plus, you get mandatory over-time occasionally! Who wouldn't want that?!
So to work in an incredibly dangerous environment where people may actually try to kill you, you don't need any more special skills? I realize that at 19 I was in a war zone but shit at least I had a gun and the option to use it if necessary! Most CO's have to worry about getting in trouble for excessive force if they even slip up in the heat of the moment. There are inmates with higher educational degrees than the CO's! And who has time to do school with the mandatory OT?! Not that "higher education" is necessarily always good; some of the dumbest, most dangerous people I have ever worked with had college level educations. Having that kid that just finished school and this is their first real job as the person that is watching your back is a terrifying feeling!
2. People want more prisons, stricter laws, immediate justice! That sounds beautiful, but where do you want the prisons? Not near cities, or towns, and heaven forbid, near housing areas! Who pays for these new prisons? Nobody wants their taxes raised to buy the land, build, and employ people. So where should they go, Mars?
Ah, more strict laws, a personal favorite of mine! I do love the idea of law and justice being strict and swift, yet I am also aware that prisons are overcrowded, terrifyingly so. What do we do about over-crowding? Don't jump right to building more prisons, I believe we covered that; so what to do? Have you seen what happens when prisons overflow? The violence that occurs between inmates, CO's, and the rapid escalation of force because of overwhelming numbers? I have, and it's ugly. Yes, justice should be swift and strict but not overly cruel.
3. I find that people are largely split about prisons and inmates. About half don't want to even think about inmates; out of sight, out of mind. But they really aren't, more than 70% of prison inmates will one day be out on the street. So while they are in prison, isn't it our responsibility as a community to ensure that a) they are getting rehabilitated, and b) getting some type of training for when they are released? We cannot turn a blind eye to ineffective prison systems and then blame the inmates for not being rehabilitated!
The other side of people are all about getting inmates rehabilitated, treated, and trained; sometimes to the point of forgetting that these people did commit crimes. They should not be treated with kid gloves and people should never forget that some of them can and will be violent again. What is needed is for inmates to be penalized for committing a crime while being offered options of things they can do to ensure they don't need to commit the crime again. In short, penalize but also teach.
I realize I am not a subject matter expert, I work juvenile corrections, they aren't adults but the beginnings for both are eerily the same, underfunded and overlooked. People don't want to know the problems that exist in corrections because then they would be responsible for finding a way to fix it. Many people love to scream and protest about injustices in corrections but they don't want to work in the system and bring about change. And most of those that do work in it, will retire, jaded and angry; if they don't quit first.
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